Jason: Thinks Aloud

I've got a lot on my mind lately. Sometimes it helps me to think through things aloud, so if you don't mind listening, I'm just going to start blabbing and see if it helps me to straighten anything out. I don't know where to start, and I don't where this is going, but anyway...

The cat is in my lap. I'm really glad we have a cat. But you may recall, our cat has been a sickly creature. He's doing OK right now, and maybe (just maybe) we think we've got his condition [severe allergies] under control enough that we won't have to hospitalize him again. We really care for him and, I guess I might as well say, love him, but it has been tempting--more than once--to somehow get rid of him so that we could just start over with a healthy animal. I mean, who spends this kind of time and money caring for a sick cat? But, we keep him. We always keep him, and we probably always will. We used to fight it--the sickness, the despair--and think that "we have to fix this" or we couldn't be happy or at peace. But then, sometime within the last month maybe, it occurred to us that "this is our cat; this is our reality; and this is OK." We can keep him, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, 'til... until he's "gone on to be with the Lord." Because, after all, that's what life and love are all about. We have a lot of freedom, a lot of choices, a lot of control even; but there are some things over which we have little or no control, some choices that we have to make, some freedoms that are taken away. When it comes to those hard times, those tough situations, what we have to do is just make the most of it, let God "work all things together" and move on day by day. Which is a valuable lesson. A lesson perhaps worth the countless RMB we've spent keeping this cat alive. Because...

Well, another thing on my mind is family. As in, our family. Not our parents, though. What I mean is, Cec and I, and the ever-present question: to have or not to have a child. It's something we think about more lately than we have in the past. We don't know if we can or cannot have children; we've always done our best to prevent it, so it's never happened so far. We have, in fact, usually said quite clearly and strongly that we have no intention of having children--"we don't want to mess with it" is a phrase I've used more than once. But... and this is kind of where the cat story comes in... we've reconsidered our position. There have been different reasons at different times--personal, financial, health, etc.--but one of the reasons that was always there, in the back (and often in the front) of my mind, was "what if something goes wrong?" as in, "what if something is wrong with the child?" as in, "can I handle having a child with autism, with a physical disability, or some kind of debilitating or life-threatening disease?" And for me, for years and years, the answer has always been NO, NO WAY, it isn't worth the risk.

I know that for any of you who might have children or grandchildren (or nieces or nephews or...) who have such issues, this might sound incredibly immature; and admittedly, it is. This has been a huge fear of mine, though. It really has. But--and again, I know that the reason behind my change of mind probably sounds just as ridiculous as the reason for my fear--I think I have learned, through having this silly, sick cat--that it would be OK. I could handle it. I would do my best. I would love and care for my child, whatever it takes, and life would go on.

So that's where I am right now. Also, there're a few other pieces to the puzzle: some sermons on prayer (that talked a lot about fatherhood) that a friend of ours here in China indirectly directed me to; taking care of Caleb for most of the other day; a reading I did (at random) from one of the OT prophets... plus time, plus maturity, plus who knows what else... all of which have led us to becoming open to the idea of--possibly, if it is God's will; although we're not gonna go out of our way or try to control it; just whatever happens happens--becoming parents.

And besides that, we've got Chinese language, a new semester about to start, ministry opportunities as far as the eye can see... There's plenty to think about.

So if you've made it this far, here's what I'd like you to do: Say a prayer before you close this browser window, asking that we'd be guided rightly, that we'd be blessed as God sees fit, that our life and work goes well, and that... well, you might as well pray for our cat, too, that he'll continue to be healthy and able to breathe, like he is right now, sitting on my lap. Thank you.